Today's News Roundup
I think it's safe to say that all of your rely on this blog to keep you appraised of important events in the world, at least in the sense that I will not suffer any serious consequences for saying it. Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint.
In entertainment news, beloved underwear magnet Tom Jones has been knighted
, prompting the BBC to lead with the news, not that Buckingham Palace honored him, but that Jones decided to go get the medal.
Elsewhere in the world, important scientists investigate the theory that pretty people are better than the rest of us
. Apparently they have a point, since their study into "the long-term consequences of being young and ugly" actually revealed disproportionate likelihoods of engaging in crime. My favorite part of this story is the phrase "The Unhandsome", which would be a great name for a rock band or a horror movie.
Meanwhile, things looks equally bleak for The Unhandsome down in Texas, where they will no longer be able to enhance their attractiveness with booze. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Control seems to have had enough of those nogoodniks who think bars are some kind of place to drink. You've probably already heard about "Operation Last Call"
, so I will simply include this quote, from Texas ABC Captain David Alexander: "Going to a bar is not an opportunity to go get drunk."
Perhaps this will change if musician slash mystery author slash independent gubernatorial candidate and public beer-drinker
Kinky Friedman gets elected. I would love to live in an America in which Texas has a governor named "Kinky".
But, lest you become too worried about where your tax dollars are spent, rest assured that at least the Japanese central government is doing something to help the community. Specifically, it has enacted a benefits program for retired Yakuza gangsters
. We're apparently facing the retirement phase of a Yakuza Boom, and it's becoming an issue. To qualify, you need to show a letter from a crimelord starting that you were, in fact, Yakuza. It also helps to have a criminal record, tattoos or missing fingers.
Sadly, it appears that there may be a few shady honest citizens with FAKE letters of proof of criminality trying to scam welfare cash away from its rightful gangster recipients. I mean, if you can't trust ostensibly retired mafioso thugs, who can you trust?